purple child

Monday, September 27, 2004

Here I'am

Ok.... I have been behaving like a psycho for the past 24 hours. Completely obsessing, obviously letting go of pride and self respect and the result is as expected.....as always. Here I'am.
I am not the only one. Cranky cousin called and was absolutely shocked at her own idiotic behaviour. She has been checking matrimonials for herself. So I spent sometime explaining to her that when parents are very chilled out about certain things one must swing into action immediately. Its a matrimonial for godssake...... just that. Not like knowing a loser for 5 years.

I walked into the office...or no walked into a meeting and found out that the prime time show had one segment that was coming from yours truly....ahhhh such fun. Well it is a lot of fun because I will go and report after what seems like an eternity. All I hope is that I stick to my time. And my schedule. And have my package ready by 8:40 pm. Period.

Have also been haunting my boyfriend and am sure that by the time its time to talk he'd just want to scream at me. Or wait better still do what he does best. The silent treatment.
It's not as if I can be expected to just switch off and on whenever. Anyway there is no need or point in cribbing. Let it be.

Saw the interiors of this spectacular Lutyens' house. Can't imagine living in such a colossal structure. The garden I must admit was very shabby. If I had the pleasure of owning such a beautiful thing....

I'm being and not being unreasonable. Am done for the moment. I hope I learn to let go people and things someday. Before this (very temporary, but acute) feeling of being left alone just consumes me completely.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Smug and bored .....

Here we are again. At work on a Sunday afternoon. Now why would I do this to myself ? Till last week I had a very good reason to feel elated to come to work on a Sunday afternoon. But not today. His mums over and has to be taken care of. I got on a bad start with the whole thing but I think am really relaxed now because sanity must prevail no matter what. And what you gotta do, you gotta do.

My mother and I had the weirdest conversation in the whole world. It kind of touched my love life and the conveniently got diverted to 'other' things. Now she likes him but for different reasons. Its bizarre how you plan out a discussion so neatly so as to reach a favourable end result but........lets leave it at that, esp since I just got branded as the eternal whiner.

No No am not a whiner ...I crib and I do it beautifully. its my way of expressing dissatisfaction with my self. It takes a lot to do that. To laugh at yourself and be self critical.

I'am looking forward to something more challenging. Like reporting from tomorrow. Wonderful....
I think I should start jogging, running whatever. Cause at this rate I will need a crane to get me out of the apartment when i'am 40. Remember that movie Whats eating Gilbert Grape? That woman who plays Gilbert's mom.... Ouch! Yummmmmm Johnny Depp and of course Leonardo played himself really well. Jokes apart. He was brilliant.

I also need to invite some people over for dinner. Will invite him as well. Lets see how that goes.
As of now I must quickly scoot and get something to eat. Feeling famished. Stomach digesting itself.




Sunday, September 19, 2004

Cranky Purple Child !

Was reading some stuff on a colleague's blog...the one thing that caught my attention was the line where she wrote " we women take unbearable amounts of crap from men, but even one mean thing that we say " kills us" I mean it does. Its happened so many times. It reminded me of this really crazy rollercoaster of a relationship I was in once.....

Taking so much bull crap and then feeling shitty about it. Come to think of it with the ex it wasn't normal. I wasn't normal. I was incredibly stupid. And I never gave it back. But I will someday cause it's a small world and we will meet and I will do the most un imaginable.....
But its also true that women sometimes read way too much into words, lines etc.
Must learn to take things on the face value. And know when not to take things on the face value. And that usually amounts to a lot of bull which is usually packaged so well that you have to neatly unwrap it in order to realise its magnanimity. Sometimes it takes you, your best friend and the cat!
But its much better now. You never fall flat on u're face when you learn to trust your instincts. I think am learning to do that. Learning to deal with people of all kinds. Shapes and sizes (naaah plz dont bother exercising fertile imagination)
There are people who's brains have the great wall of china build around them. I mean no amount of signals are enough. The shutters wouldn't open. No matter what.
Some carefully tread along the borderline. Do manage to indulge in some sensible talk. But this is for those who just talk arbid unadulterated non sense. I don't want to listen to you anymore. Have no patience left with your types. Am sorry. I snap. I cut. I feel devastated for you and your likes. Wake up and smell the coffee. Please and understand venomous vibnes from me. Am a nice person. I'am not rude. But there's only so much patience I have.
Ok am done with office for the day. I feel like climbing a mountain. Just flying away somewhere over the rainbow.
Ta folks! Am just pooped beyond belief.

Make it happen!

Just wrote an entire blog and deleted it because it was all very contrived. I didn't mean to make it sound like that but when I read it there was no flow. The crux of the matter is that the beginning of everything is very nice. But never lose track of reality. Thats what I like about him the most. Honesty mixed with love and reality, That pretty much sums him up. We're both growing up everyday. And it feels nice to acknowledge that. No great shallow promises made. Not from you or from me. Whatever it is, is getting stronger. But I don't know if it will be strong enough to carry this forward till eternity. I really don't know.
No pretensions. None whatsoever. It's like home. The whole feeling. Having you around if I may say so. Like knowing someone for a really long time.
Like someone who'd listen to incessant rambling. make me sing at 2 am (and i did!!!!!!!)
wouldn't always say the smartest things. But exchange niceties with me once in a while.
Oh God if this isn't meant to be then please do freeze some moments in my head. Moments that would give me the strenghth to get past difficult times.
Am happy, hope you are too.
(Little frightened rat speaks from inside the heart : Please make it happen!!!!!!)

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Finding my God

Ya well long time.... lots happened. And all's well. I have been on a very philosophical religious trip for a while now. To understand what God is all about. Have come down to some conclusions the contents of which I will discuss in this blog.
God is omnipresent. He is, atleast thats why we worship him....some of us fear him. When people say things to their children like " Do this or God will punish you" Don't do this or God will not give you this that and all that jazz... they automatically make their children fear God. But no one needs to fear him. Thats number one.

God was here much before we were born. So please some of us need not make rules for others to follow.

Faith is what makes people pray....You know whats amazing. They can have faith in a little stone idol. They can't seem to have one hundredth of that in themselves. That is so sad. Because (yes I know its wrong to start a sentence like that)

So who is God and where is he? Well the way I see it he's here in all of us. In each of us he is there in the form of a conscience. The voice within and we always have the choice. To do the right thing or the wrong. And thats what makes the world. People. The Right and wrong. The Left and right. The twisted and the straight. It takes all kinds to make this world.

It's simple folks, if God were to understand only Sanskrit or Latin Or Hebrew then how will the rickshaw puller find him? He'd be Godless because he doesn't know any of the above mentioned languages. But he is not like that. He's everybody's. From mine to yours to the milkman to the leper, the hungry dog with menengitis. The fact of the matter is that if God was an exclusivist the way we think he is, then he wouldn't be God.
And reasoning is the best part of being a human. Its really that simple.
Religion makes for most of the issues in the world. But we were to realise that the when we evolved from the molecular stage and finally walked on two legs on the face of this planet we didnt seem to need God. We did, eventually. Until then we followed instincts. We came a long way. We have.
And religion was formulated to discipline mankind. In herds, groups. To reinstate faith. To know that there was someone who is watching us. Our actions. So how does it matter whether you pray every Friday or every Sunday. If he's in your heart. He's always with you. But if you are trying to seek him by fearing him then there's no point. Its a vicious circle. The more you fear the more you indulge in activities that suck you into an undending rigmarole.
I'm not preaching, am talking to myself, addressing myself. Telling myself that if I do my work with all that I have in me I can make it really big.
Thank you God. Thank you for being here. Within me.